I have three wonderful teenage children, very intelligent & sometimes opinionated. And it’s not uncommon to have some very interesting & heated discussions at dinner time about all kinds of topics including politics, musical taste, movie preferences, Hollywood, current events, government policies, theological questions, historical events, recipes & a plethora of random topics. In addition to our wonderful kids, my husband & I have our own perspectives & opinions. So our dinner conversations can be both diverse & intense.
As I think about these conversations, it’s important to consider not only what is being said, but also the tone & context for these interactions. If we are going to maintain close relationships, disagreements are inevitable. Here are some helpful thoughts related to disagreements:
Seek to understand more than being understood
A sincere apology is helpful when there’s misunderstanding
If you’re trying to “win” an argument, appreciate that someone will lose & maybe that’s not a good goal
Respect is essential for constructive disagreement
“You can’t do that!”“That’s ridiculous & never been done before.”“We aren’t interested in that kind of thing here.”“NO!!!”
I’m in Bangledesh sitting with our Saving Moses nightcare team, comprised of nannies, administrative support, guards & assistants. This team looks after babies & toddlers every night while their moms work in the adjacent brothel. When I came to this area last year to present my idea for nightcare, I already had many years experience where people told me all the things I listed at the beginning of this blog & even more. Thankfully, the people in Bangledesh weren’t opposed to my idea, although definitely surprised. And today, I’m abundantly fulfilled to sit with this wonderful team – grateful for each of them & believing in nightcare!
So when you face opposition, here are some things I’ve found to be helpful:
See the goal – this helps to stay focused
Take a step toward the goal, no matter how small
Be creative – there’s more than one way to achieve a goal
Failure is learning rather than defeat
Encourage someone else – it helps to keep your heart joyful
I have a child who enjoys classical music & rap. For me, these contrasts don’t match up too well, but to each his own.
I also made an interesting blueberry pie a few days ago where the recipe called for goat cheese & chopped almonds / more contrasts. The pie was like a party in my mouth because of the complementing contrasts: tangy goat cheese & sweet blueberries as well as crunchy almonds & soft blueberries. These contrasts were super pleasant although not something I’d usually consider.
That’s the interesting thing with contrasts: we don’t normally put contrasts together because they often seem to compete rather than blend & complement. But alas, this is how much of following Jesus seems to play out.
Jesus applauded Peter for acknowledging Him as the Son of God but He rebuked Peter for shooting off his mouth;
Jesus demonstrates genuine love in the face of abhorrent & brutal humanity;
we are to each celebrate our unique gifts & talents while blending them into the Body of Christ for mutual benefit
Navigating contrasts for spiritual growth requires us to pay attention to the Holy Spirit & remain steady in our commitment to genuinely love 🙂
Politics is a hot spot for many people. Everyone seems to get really lit up about who to vote for, what the candidates say or don’t say, the future of our country, moral underpinnings & HEAPS more. For his part, Donald Trump, has certainly escalated the emotional tone & conflict potential for our upcoming national election.
My concern for those of us who follow Jesus has many facets:
I’m concerned that we will watch & listen to the candidates more than we pray for the election
I’m concerned that we allow politics to divide us more than we allow Jesus’ love to unite us
I’m concerned that we are deceived to think that human politics can resolve the broken & fallen nature of the human heart
Whether you like Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Carson, Rubio, Cruz, Bernie or whoever, let’s make the commitment to pray for our country & its leadership more than we worry or complain 🙂
Thank you heaps for all of the feedback on my post about the same sex marriage topic! It’s obviously a very sensitive topic for almost everyone and by the input I’ve received (some pleasant, some slippery and some hostile), I think it’s worth a final post on the topic.
I’ve been praying about this post for several days because I don’t want to grieve the Holy Spirit per Ephesians 4:29-32. With that being said, here are a few questions to consider on the same sex marriage topic for prayerful reflection:
Who??? When we talk about this subject, to whom are we speaking or communicating? Seems like we should think not only about what we say, but with whom we are communicating (seekers, Jesus’ followers, opponents to Jesus’ words, etc). Jesus was super clear about different messages for different audiences – but all with the same motive
How??? How we communicate is a good peek into our motives & ultimately what’s in our hearts
What??? After thinking about our motives & audience, the content of our words are very important – what are we really saying?
I’m certainly up to speed with Paul’s words about homosexuality in 1Cor 6:9, Rom 1:26-32 & the relevant verses in Levitucs & the outcomes of Sodom & Gomorrah and I do not disagree with these words. But I come back to the question of loving well from John 13:35 – the defining distinctive of Jesus’ followers is our love for each other.
To conclude, I believe that we can all find common ground in praying for our nation & our world. Let’s agree to pray for our pastors, our political leaders, key influencers and let’s pray that Jesus lives well through our lives every day 🙂
I was recently on a family vacation & there were a few tense conversations with family members – nothing major, but some scrappy & small conflicts. I was thinking about these conversations this morning in my prayer time & was letting God know that I was frustrated. Fundamentally, I want to love well, but struggle with how to role out genuine love in my daily living. I felt like God spoke this into my heart, “Give Me permission to love through you rather than trying to love from you.”
This has been extremely helpful because I know that my own love is far too limited, but God’s love through me can be infinite.
So let’s agree to let God love through us & let the fun begin! Remain tied into God’s love ,)
On Sunday, there was a massive fight among biker gangs in Waco, TX and it became extremely violent in a matter of seconds. Law enforcement officials are now concerned that gang members from neighboring states and affiliated gang coalitions are now heading toward Texas to pick up the conflict and defend the honor of their gang members and associates. Clearly, this is a bad situation and without some clear and rational thinking, this situation could deteriorate even further. So let’s keep in mind a few helpful things:
pray: pray that peace would prevail and that any plans of the devil would be put to confusion
conflict: consider that with the Holy Spirit’s help, conflict can be more constructive than destructive
get the word out: if biker gangs can be highly motivated to defend honor, then let us as followers of Jesus be highly motivated to live our love out loud & not with quiet back room whispers
I love to win & I hate to lose – in pretty much everything. So I automatically like all of the Bible verses that talk about me winning, being victorious, more than a conqueror, etc. On the opposite end, the Bible verses that talk about sacrifice, losing my life, crucifixion, pain, . . . . these aren’t nearly as appealing to me as the winning verses. But life seems to have both the winning and losing experiences wrapped into each day: driving, competing at work / school, controversial conversations, competing against myself, etc.
I think that it can feel much better to win than lose, but let me throw out a few perks that can happen from losing:
losing can reveal our character when we might be at our lowest
empathy seems to grow better when we lose rather than win
winning can be sometimes be an impediment to connecting with someone
losing can be a place where strength, endurance and roots can grow
sometimes humility grows better in the soil of losing more than winning
Please don’t take this blog to mean that losing is everything. On the flipside, winning isn’t everything either. Maybe “everything” boils down to genuine love 🙂
I have friends who hate to make decisions. The bigger the decision, the worse the gridlock, to the point that they become virtually paralyzed. I’m sure that some of their struggle with making decisions comes from some past challenges as well as some current insecurities that hide in dark corners of their mind, coming out to haunt at the most inopportune times. So when I read this morning about Lot and Abraham, with Lot’s decision to live in Sodom, I think there could be some practical help available in this story for making decisions:
don’t let circumstances be the fundamental reason for a decision: Lot chose land that looked appealing, but maybe he knew that Sodom and Gomorrah weren’t top grade choices for cities in which to live
discuss conflict before making decisions: the whole reason for Lot to move was partially driven by a conflict between Abraham’s and Lot’s shepherds
consider the choices that are available: from reading this story, it doesn’t seem to me that Lot considered all of the options that were available (exchange some of his cattle wealth for gold, come under Abraham’s leadership, create a partnership, etc).
think about the consequences: I seriously doubt that Lot would have chosen to live in Sodom had he known more about the people who lived there
Pray – when Lot made his decision, there’s no mention of him asking for divine input or guidance; in contrast, God was highly involved with Abraham, maybe because Abraham was obedient and highly esteemed / treasured God’s input
It seems to me that we all have various conflicts & hot spots that we have to manage – such hot spots could include: stressful conversations with co-workers / classmates, conflict with our mates, harsh words between friends, scratchy people, etc. Regardless of having hotspots, which seem to be inevitable, here are some ideas for constructive words that might come in handy:
*a soft answer turns away wrath (Prov 15:1): you are a really gifted person with (name a talent they have)
*words seasoned with grace (Col 4:6): I believe that you were trying your best in this situation (give the benefit of the doubt)
*be quick to listen (James 1:19): Please help me understand what you’re concerned about (seek to understand the other person’s point of view)
*be encouraging (1 Thess 5:11): I really want to encourage you that I see you’re trying hard in this situation; I want to encourage you that I see talents, gifts and potential in you that you may not see
*pursue peace (Rom 14:19): Here’s the common ground that we can agree on (describe something about which you agree)
What are some suggestions you’d give us that could also be helpful?
For whatever reason, this week has had an over abundance of conflict & almost none of it with low intensity, it’s all been high grade volatile & even borderline destructive. So today is a good day to take a deep breath & look for some sunshine. In the meantime, here are a few take aways I’ve acquired from this week in dealing with conflict, constructively (operative word):
*being reactive can often make things worse
*listen to understand rather than argue
*disagree but don’t disrespect
*appreciate that the other persons / side has some valuable points of view
*seek common ground rather than retreating into hostility, aggression or worse apathy, isolation & passivity
What has helped you manage conflict constructively? Please share so we can all get better with your wisdom 🙂
In the war on terrorism, it can get tricky to figure out who to fight. Similar to the guerrilla warfare in Vietnam, when a soldier wears civilian clothing, it’s hard to figure out that he’s a soldier until it’s often too late. In the same way, the enemy of our soul often masquerades in what seems to be various human conflicts, stresses & pressures. If we only look at the outside of what’s happening, we’ll get distracted & fight the wrong fight, rather than warring against the true opposition of our soul. Jesus says in John 10:10 that the thief comes to kill, steal & destroy.
There is a real enemy warring against your soul & more often than not, your enemy isn’t your spouse, your pastor, your friend or your kids / parents, a co-worker or fellow student. The enemy of your soul is a masquerade genius, so don’t fall for the disguise!!
Recently, I’ve had some experiences that have been really tricky: conversation I didn’t agree with, uncomfortable situations that made me feel insecure, topics being discussed that are WAY outside of anything I know about, etc. As I’ve been in these situations, it’s been difficult for me to figure out what to do or say because there didn’t seem to be any easy or obvious solutions, answers or escape routes. In the past, I’ve found myself saying stupid stuff, or just withdrawing to a wall flower status & getting internally frustrated.
But I think I’ve found some help with these types of problems: quiet prayer. In the last few days as I’ve been in these challenges, I’ve stayed quiet, but quietly in my heart asked God for help and that’s exactly what’s happened. God has answered my quiet prayers in several different ways by giving me:
insight & wisdom into the situations & conversations
patience & strength not to say something stupid or that I’d later regret
discernment on how God was leading the discussion or situation
awareness that God has purposes for stuff that doesn’t always make me feel good
There’s a boatload of value in long & loud prayers, but also in short & quiet prayers: the full truth is that prayer is very good 🙂
A few of my kids went to school this morning after a heated conversation. Both had tears in their eyes & it rips me up as their mom to see this tension and strife. Which makes me wonder how God “feels” when we are yucky with each other. The truth is that any relationship worth it’s weight will have to work through conflict. So here are a few pointers to help with this challenge:
benefit of the doubt: assume the best rather than blame the worst
double standard: be mindful that you don’t just the other person by actions but ourselves by intentions
breathing space: sometimes a “cool down” can bring some clarity and options that aren’t available when we are in the heat of a conflict
be generous: seek to understand before being understood
forgive well: practice makes perfect
conclusion: sometimes the best outcome is to agree to disagree without being disagreeable 🙂
Recently, there was a shooting in a suburb of St Louis where a white police officer shot & killed an african american teen, Mike Brown. There has been massive outrage, demonstrations and upheaval from this altercation with lots of accusations being thrown around. The National Guard has been called in to the area, curfews have been enforced and there’s a tremendous amount of anxiety, pain, frustration, anger, hostility and even some violent reactions to these events.
My goal with this blog is not to throw more fuel into an already intense inferno. Rather, I would ask you to join me in praying a few brief but powerful points for this situation:
peace and clarity
comfort and healing for the family who lost their son / family member
wisdom, strength and grace for the leaders in Ferguson & those who are involved in these events
I’ve been watching the situation with Israel & Palestine over the last month & I was very happy to read this morning about the ceasefire and what seems to be the ramp down of the military conflict between Israel & Palestine. If you have looked into any of the history of this area, you’ll quickly see that this area of the world has been unstable to varying degrees for millennia. Regardless of which side of the conflict you sympathize, its good for everyone that they constructively work toward a peace that can be realisticlly achieved between these neighboring countries.
With that being said, I don’t see how you can be a neighboring country, endeavoring to build trust while concurrently telling your population that your neighbor is the enemy – both sides do this. I also don’t see how you can build trust when an underlying tenant of your political existence is the obliteration of your neighboring country – there has to be mutual respect for mutual sovereignty. Finally, you can’t build trust without first creating an environment for constructive conversation.
If you’ve been following the news of late, there’s been a very significant increase in the military activity between Israel & Palestine within the last several days. Israel has mobilized troops and is currently carrying out ground operations into Palestine & Gaza. There have been very noteworthy increases on both sides of fatalities and loss. And there are many individuals who support Israel and many individuals who support Palestine. No matter what “side” is your position, let’s pray for peace in Israel and Palestine. The loss of lives, injuries and property destruction from this conflict is all extremely high, so let’s be sure to keep this area in our daily prayers!
Ok friends, I’m writing this blog knowing that I’m stepping into some very serious controversy. In the past several weeks there have been lots of feedback on John MacArthur’s book, “Strange Fire”, a book that takes a critical position of the Charismatic movement in today’s world. There are more than enough brilliant people taking sides on Mr MacArthur’s position – in both opposition and support. Whatever your thoughts or opinions are about Charistmatics or Mr MacArthur’s beliefs, let’s keep in mind what Paul says about the works of the flesh in Galatians 5:19-21. Such works include not only immorality and idolatry, but the works of the flesh also include: enmity, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions and factions. Let’s remember that Jesus prayed that we, His followers, would be one like He is one with the Father, John 17:21-22.
No matter if you agree or disagree with Mr MacArthur, if we are followers of Jesus, then we don’t need to be disagreeable with a fellow follower of Jesus – smile 🙂
From time to time I have the opportunity to be involved in situations that can be volatile, hostile & combative. I can’t say that I enjoy these types of situations but I am learning a few things that you might find helpful:
*Proverbs says that a soft answer turns away wrath – answering with gentle words & replies can be super helpful to turn a hostile conversation into a constructive conversation
*volume, pace & pitch are important in our verbal replies because they can increase or diffuse the hostility
*seek to understand before being understood – this always helps me to grow & learn more
*pray: seems to me that we need God more than we frequently recognize 🙂
What have you found to be helpful? Thanks for your input!!
We have had access to massive communication improvements over the past few decades. If you think about it, did you ever pull the phone cord out of the wall? In the ’80s, a tweet would have been “twit” mis-pronounced. And my idea of “wifi” in the ’70s was more like “hi-fi” in our house with speakers in every room so I could play records throughout the house at maximum volume. Communication has certainly improved, but we can all stand to make some improvements in our inter-personal communication, especially as it relates to conflict 🙂
Here are some tips that you might find useful in resolving conflict:
Understand the issue: get on the same page about what you’re discussing because often the center of the conflict comes from not discussing the same content
Separate what was said from what was heard (that’s not what I said, but that’s what was heard)
Consider the emotions & expectations associated w the conversation – these items can make communication hazy & ineffective if they’re not identified
Be patient & listen without asserting your opinion
Own your part of the communication challenge – blame sabotages communications & does nothing constructive
Be clear by removing subtleties, nuances & emotional telepathy; these efforts will only leave you frustrated